A Lesson about Identity

It might sound quite ironic, but I have learned the most I've ever learned by doing nothing. Or this might sound quite right and sensible to those of you who have studied and/or experienced the words of ancient sages. As many of them profess that non-doing is just as important, and sometimes more important, than doing.

I don't mean to say that I truly wasn't doing anything. Just that, according to the modern, profit-driven, egoic society that most of us live in, I've been doing nothing. Meaning that I have not been economically productive. The Universe made me stop and observe for a while, in a very literal sense, and in this period, I have learned and grown by leaps and bounds.  It's been an incredible journey and I would like to share it. So, here goes...

In the last year, I have faced some extraordinary challenges; finding myself in a foreign country, unable to speak the language, without any job (or the promise thereof), only one friend/lover, my family an Atlantic Ocean away, I was suddenly a stranger on the fringes of a different society. After the first few weeks of still feeling like a light-hearted tourist, it hit me rather hard that I had moved here and that my life was now in this very foreign place. I felt a sense of shock and fear that made me want to buy a ticket for the next flight home, no questions asked. Luckily, I recognized this urge as a very primitive "fight or flight" response to being so far outside of my comfort zone. When I saw these scary feelings for what they were, I was able to start seeing this as an opportunity to learn.

I reflected long and hard on the situation. My heart and soul's longing had drawn me here, so I had faith that things would work out. They have worked out, just not in any way that I could have predicted. To the Me of that time, "things working out" meant that I would find a job, create a network of friends, learn the language and integrate into this society. It meant that all the things external to myself would fall into place. They did not.

I found Greek to be an extremely difficult language, despite having previously studied French, Spanish, Chinese and Swedish. I had come here on limited savings, hoping to find a job, so I couldn't afford the pricey Greek classes and instead tried to learn from those around me. As a result, I was constantly the odd one out at the dinner table. I felt more alienated than ever before.

Aside from the language, I faced some much more difficult challenges. Challenges of identity. Not only was I a foreigner thrown into tight-knit Greek circles who were not used to interacting with international people, but when I would meet people and they would ask me the most natural introductory question in our society, "What do you do?", I had no answer. My mind would go blank and immediately a sense of shame, guilt and humiliation would sweep over me. I wasn't doing anything. Not that I was sitting at home watching soap operas all day... to the contrary, I was doing lots of independent research and journaling, delving into deeper parts of myself. However, I felt that I had no "legitimate" answer to their question. For the first time since I was sixteen, I was neither a student nor employed. Often I had been both. Now I was neither. And, therefore, I suddenly found that I had no external identity. No way to show, by means of a label or category, how I was contributing to society. This led me directly into a huge identity crisis.

Somehow, though, I was not tempted to shy away from this. Instead, I embraced it. Having studied a lot of psychology, Taoism and some Buddhism, I realized that this was the Universe's calling for me to shed my identity. Or at least major parts of it. In the midst of all of this, I even felt compelled to chop 18 inches of my long, unique, naturally-red hair off. My symbol of feminine beauty. I no longer needed it. In fact, I felt the need to shed most aspects of my outward identity. I needed to get down to the bottom of it, the bottom of who I am. And I knew that it was only to be found internally. As they say, the answers lie within.

I could go into a lot of detail and describe that entire process, but this blog entry would be ridiculously long. So, I'll end it on this note, that it is an ongoing quest for me to go deeper and further into who I am and who we all are, the "Ultimate Self", the "Universal Self" or whatever you would like to call it. I have found some incredible truths and moments of clarity. It's felt like a process of the combination of my seeking and the Universe feeding me this soul-food. In the end, some might say that I am still doing nothing, as I have not found a steady job or career path (I teach English lessons and babysit). However, I know that I am doing exactly what I should be and I am on my way.